I am F, 38, 5’3” and 247lbs. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, but pre-kids I was a comfortable 154lbs and that was okay. I always wanted to lose more weight and always struggled, but I was also fine with my size.
After my first child I went up to 196lbs. It was lockdown and I was on maternity leave, so I started walking every day and did Slimming World and managed to drop to 140lbs in 12 months. However, I got EXTREMELY in my head about the fact my BMI was still classed as overweight and not healthy, but I looked like a bag of bones. I wasn’t healthy. I was straying into ED territory with my obsessive habits.
With my second baby my weight ballooned to 210lbs and I was miserable. I also had PPD after and was in the trenches for a long time. Over the last 4 years I’ve gained an extra 37lb and I can’t see any end to the increase.
My problem is that I have so much food noise. I never had a name for it before now, but there we go. I seem to only ever think about food. I’m constantly obsessing over when the next meal is, when I can sneak another snack, and looking forward to being alone in the house so I can (let’s face it) binge eat. It’s a problem I’ve always had, but it’s become unmanageable.
I have had so many “day 1s” in the past few years. I’ve tried going back to Slimming World, started weight training, tried to count calories… everything just falls by the wayside after a few weeks because I am useless at sticking with anything. I throw myself in headfirst and cannot keep it up. I have barely any time to myself anymore, and I’ve tried to carve out more time but it just ends up taking time away from my family. I can’t so it long term.
I cook all the meals for my family, but in vegan (I know, a fat vegan!), my partner eats meat, and my kids are vegetarian. So I’m cooking 3 versions of the same meal every night because my partner and kids are picky and won’t eat vegan. I have tried to get out and walk again but I just don’t have the time I used to have.
I hate that I’ve lost the weight before and have just put it all back on. I hate the way my body feels, the way I look, and that I’m the “fat mum”. I absolutely cannot live like this, and cannot keep ballooning in size. I don’t want to be skinny, I just want to be comfortable in my skin.
I’m also so worried to go back to that obsessive place with dieting. I have tried to speak to my GP about this as well, and I’ve just been told I need to count calories and been sent on my way. I’ve tried to ask for referrals via the dr but have been told I don’t have a co-morbidity so don’t qualify. I know it’s true that counting calories is the only way to lose weight, but my problem is sticking with it. I know it’s all about willpower, but I seem to be extremely weak.
I will take any and all advice, but please be kind.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/1upqs37/how_to_start_day_one_for_the_hundredth_time/
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