So, there's a chance some of you might remember me from this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/86z069/yesterday_i_turned_20_and_i_am_back_under_500/
I'm 25 now, and I am... not under 400. In fact, tonight, the scale reports that I weigh 404 pounds. Problem is, that's what it always says.
I finished off the year 2022 by getting to the 400 pound mark, and yet halfway into 2023, I am... still here. I'll weigh 400 one day, 402 the next, 398 the next, 401... what's going on here?
Well, a lot, probably. I had the thought, a while ago. This is the one form of self improvement that requires me to do LESS of something. I don't need to take a certain medication, I don't need to perform specific exercises, I don't have any medical devices to mess with, unless my sleep machine counts, no. I simply, at the most basic level of concepts, need to put less food into my mouth.
That's it. Less food in the mouth. Sounds easy, right? But if you tell an alcoholic that they simply need to not bring a bottle of beer anywhere near their face, I'm sure they'll think that "sounds easy" too.
But it still gets to me. And not just that; I saw a video recently on the subject of the body positivity movement, and it brought something even messier to the forefront of my mind.
And in the comments section of that video, I took to the keyboard...
✩｡:•.──────────.•:｡✩
You know, my feelings on the body positivity movement are pretty tangled up, mostly because of my own feelings, because of how I am, what I am, that being a 400 pound man who used to weigh 500 pounds.
Another comment says "no one is like “promoting” being morbidly obese, they’re promoting the idea that everyone is deserving of basic human decency no matter what they look like. someone who is obese deserves the same amount of respect as someone who isn’t."
And it got me thinking, really. This is where I've been off track with the movement, I guess. I didn't realize until now that the issue I have with the movement isn't that I think fat people are undeserving of basic human decency- it's because even after losing a hundred pounds, I look in the mirror, and I see a fat person, myself, and I believe that HE isn't deserving of human decency.
Now I'm sure this just stems from the 12 years of bullying hell that I went through during my time in school, but it's a really, really hard thing to shake. I just turned 25, and I haven't so much as held hands with someone in a romantic sense, let alone kissing someone or going on a date or anything like that.
Not because I'm a misogynist or an incel, but because I look at myself and I feel like I don't deserve to even try. Even writing this down is difficult, because I keep wanting to use phrases like "I don't want to bother other people with my presence", as if my very existence is disgusting in some way merely due to me being overweight.
The sad thing I suppose would be that I don't think I'm ever going to feel any sort of body positivity. I've been gradually repairing my self confidence over time, but even then, it's always some form of "someday" or "when I lose weight" when I think about doing things that I should be able to do regardless.
"Someday when I've lost weight, I'll ask someone out on a date".
"When I've lost weight, I'll finally be happy about how I look".
I'm just not sure I'll ever be positive about my body. Either because I'm genuinely unhappy with my state of health, or because I was trained in school to hate myself. Is it a bad thing, to hate how fat I am? Is it better, to hate the fat hanging off of my body? Is it better to hate just one aspect of my body instead of everything about myself?
Is it really going to be that easy? Once I've lost weight, once it is gone, am I going to also lose the hate I hold for myself? Or is it going to be after I have surgery to have the extra skin removed? Or will it be for the scars? Am I just going to carry scars both physical and mental with me for the rest of my life simply due to the hellish experience I went through as an autistic kid in the public school system?
I can't bring myself to be angry at other people, I'm nothing but kind and softspoken and helpful in every way I can, I don't experience road rage, I'm not sure I ever even experience anger, I can't even directly insult people over discord when they're rude to me, I just can't.
But then, why am I so mean to myself? Why do I believe that no living human would want to date me? Why can't I conceptualize the idea of me talking to a woman as anything other than a gross fat neckbeard bothering some innocent girl that doesn't want anything to do with him?
I don't have answers for any of this. I don't expect anyone else to, either. I just hate being fat, I hate how I look, I hate the moobs, the gut, the arms, it's all awful. In the summer I'm always sweaty, I jiggle when I move, my moobs are always really obvious, and I'm constantly aware of how unhealthy I am and how likely it is that I die an early death.
And yet, it's not enough. It's not enough to eat less, or at least less enough that I lose weight fast enough. I weighed 503 pounds in march of 2018, and it's taken me five years to make it to 400 pounds. Yes, it took me a long time to turn around the ship from gaining weight to losing it, unlearning behaviors, learning how to spew vile hatred towards myself all day long, but some of these things are harder to unlearn than others.
I just want to experience what it's like to love someone, or to have someone love me, I just want to know what it's like to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see on the other side. I don't want to learn to love my body, because I don't want to be fat anymore.
And I'm hypocritical too. I wouldn't date another fat person, because I'm not attracted to anyone who's overweight. So then, why would I try to date anyone? It's not fair for me, a fat guy, to turn down someone else due to their weight, now is it? So, I just don't bother. I don't try, I don't even think about it, I just lay alone in bed at night until my melatonin knocks me out, because I don't have the right to expect to date someone who's in shape if I'm not in shape myself.
On some level, I'm aware that these thoughts are likely wrong, broken, born from self hatred rather than actual logic. Would it be fair for a blind person to expect to date someone with their vision? Doesn't that sound silly? Then why doesn't it sound silly when I think about myself looking for someone who's in shape?
Is it the patriarchy? Some other societal system? I hesitate to call myself straight because I'm attracted to what you'd call a femboy, but I'm not even sure if that's accurate either. What if I'm just feeling attraction to other guys who look like girls because I feel undeserving of even talking to another girl?
It's not like I don't ever interact with women, I can talk to them just fine if there's a reason, be it ordering food or visiting the pharmacy or seeing my doctors, but it's so hard to even consider the idea of trying to date someone.
I don't really have a happy ending for this story yet, but perhaps someday in the future I will. I just felt like writing it down, even if it's simply in a youtube comment section where few people are likely to ever see it. If you've read this far into the comment, thank you for entertaining me, I suppose. And if this resonates with you, if you feel the same way? I'm not sure I have any advice, but I hope, I pray, that there will come a time where I've- or we've- put this all behind us.
✩｡:•.──────────.•:｡✩
Probably the most important part of this all was the line, "I don't want to learn to love my body, because I don't want to be fat anymore. "
But is that healthy? Have any of you simply lived a somewhat hollow life until you reached the point that you weren't severely obese anymore?
I'm just so tired, I guess. Annoyed. Frustrated. Midway through my 20s and I still weigh 400 pounds. I still have a giant set of moobs. Still rocking thighs that could choke a mammoth to death. Sure, I'll have fleeting moments of what might be confidence; I don't think I look as awful in the mirror as I used to, and I've grown a lot of chest hair that makes me look less... "unwashed reddit moderator", and more... "gay bear", for better or for worse.
I will say, my weight is not the only issue I'm facing. My sleeping schedule is off the rails at this point, last night I was in bed at 1:30, I slept for nine hours, my alarm clock went off at 10 AM, and what happens? do I wake up? No. Of course not. I stay in bed, without the CPAP, until fucking 1 PM, when I finally get up, feeling like garbage. I'm sick of it.
So there's my five year update, /r/loseit. I know 100 pounds is a lot to lose, but I have 200 more to go before I finally get to see what real life is supposed to be like.
And by the way, if anyone else out there keeps swinging between moods like "I'm never going to eat food again" and a few hours later you're eating two entire donuts? Yeah, you're not alone, but I don't have even the faintest solution for you.
Still, I don't want to end this rant on a super negative note, so I'll reiterate, at least I've made it this far, eh? And at least I'm not gaining again? Sure, it's sucked not seeing it dip below 395, however it hasn't gone above 410 either, so... woo!
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/13pennl/i_may_have_lost_100_pounds_but_im_not_so_sure_i/
Comments
Post a Comment