How To Stop Looking At Myself As One Big Flaw Just Because I’m Fat And Will Always Be Scarred From It In Some Way

I’m on my way to losing around 170 lbs. already about 18lbs into it. Hopefully more. I have a ways to go, obviously, and to much of my dismay.

I spent the past seven years in, for lack of better wording, hell. I was undiagnosed and crippled from an (now diagnosed and treated and doing well!💜) autoimmune disease. Then almost died from getting covid right at the beginning of the pandemic. And then things started to get better. I was incredibly lost, however. Still am a bit.

Currently, I’m in a job that makes me feel like a loser if I think about what I’m doing, but it’s my foot back into the work world after years of not working from being disabled, and I absolutely love my co workers. We currently work from home. Can’t see each other. Maybe that’s the secret, but we just have so much fun. I’m doing really good at my job, and of course, I’m being exposed to a lot of different people after years of being single and almost completely isolated. Autoimmune disease pretty much ruined my entire previous life. Im building a new one now.

Either way, it’s rough on my end. I just made it out of the 300s. I’m feeling really strong on my weight loss/fitness journey. I’m craving intimacy A LOT. I have crushes on people I talk to through work. It’s very mysterious. We’re only voices to each other. Sexy voices. Inside jokes. Internally I want to see some of these people, and then reality hits that I’m still teetering on 300lbs.

Idk how attractive I am. I’m currently dealing with hair thinning from losing the most of it after covid. I’m 30 something and will be starting minoxidil soon. Praying it even works. I also was extremely anemic and am on a mega dose of iron, so hopefully that brings some density back. When I was thin, once in life, people found me attractive. It kills me to know that I’m flirting with some really cute people and they’d be horrified if they ever saw me. Or completely likely lose interest. Maybe even in just being friendly. People are superficial.

And then I think about a future relationship and I am literally flabbergasted and curious about how anyone will truly ever love or find me attractive. I’ll have loose skin. Maybe I’ll always have thin hair now. Maybe I will gain some back. I don’t see how anyone will ever fully love me because of physical imperfections. Genuinely I think these sort of thoughts. Will I be able to be fully vulnerable? Will I be able to flirt with my partner and they actually be turned on by me?? I feel like even when I’m thin I’ll have loose skin and stretch marks and be too gross to ever turn anyone on. But that’s not even what that’s about. Like, people are hot because of their personality! Their vibes. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

These thoughts are not normal, right??

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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/wch7br/how_to_stop_looking_at_myself_as_one_big_flaw/