I’ve been really frustrated lately. Angry mainly on myself, but on this life as well. Just can’t believe how fucking unlucky we are. You know that feeling when everything is going so smoothly and then something fucking slaps you in the face?
Been on this, so-called, journey for a few months now. Well technically my whole life, but it got really serious around August. I was just sick of myself, sick of looking at the mirror, sick of constantly being anxious about what other people think of me. Didn’t really have a lot of friends, had a really close friend who I had a “secret” (it was fucking obvious) crush on, got into a fight with her and we stopped talking since then. Never really had a true best friend, I was just lonely. Holy fuck now that I think of it, I was so damn pathetic. So, I did the only rational thing I could think of, bought a gym membership. Let me tell you, the best decision of my life.
Not my first rodeo with gyms, I tried several times but I was never consistent. My gym knowledge was basically zero. The first month was damn hard, was always anxious but I was consistent. 5 times a week, I never missed one training. You may say that’s idiotic to start working 3 times a week, totally agree. But I was so damn scared that if I miss only one, I would just give up. After the first month, came the second, third and then I stopped counting. Now I’m not training to lose some weight, I’m training because I fucking love it.
I never told myself that I’m on a diet. Been on few, they don’t work for me screw that. I just started eating less, started reading a lot about food, macros calories. How much I actually need, you know? Funny now looking back, I never knew why I was fat. Now that I think about it, holy fuck I would just not care about calories, I was sitting behind a PC for hours eating like shit. My only workout was a walk to the school and back. Had a bad accident a few years back, always blamed everything on that. Screw that, now I’m just sick of the old me.
But holy fuck how much has my life changed since that. I’m not anxious anymore, I don’t hate myself anymore, I look at the mirror and I’m like Johnny Bravo (who’s this handsome guy). Shopping is such a joy now, went to a random shopping spree with my friend before this corona bullshit just for the giggles, found a lovely t-shirt that I actually like and that fits me well. I found an amazing group of people, who I happily call friends. Met a really cool and beautiful girl, asked her out (that was scarier than the first day in the gym btw) she said yes. Which, unfortunately, I had to postpone for a few months due to corona bullshit. Which brings us to the final point of my rambling.
Holy fuck I am scared. Scared of going back to the old me. Like I just feel terrible these past few weeks. Everything was so instant. State of the emergency, had to leave the university city to go home. I don’t live alone anymore, I don’t dictate my food. My mother does and it’s not looking good. I’m pissed at her as well. Sometimes I feel like she’s just obsessed with making me fat. I know she just wants the best for me and that she realizes how important this is to me, but she just doesn’t take it seriously. Yesterday she bought 10 chocolates, I was speechless. Junk food every other day, It’s terrible. I sit around all day, I feel like a slob. I feel like the old me.
But now that I think about it. I still have a choice. I worked hard for almost a year and now I just want to fuck up everything? That would be rather idiotic. I felt so pathetic writing this last paragraph and I’m sorry. Just had to vent somewhere, thought this might a good place for it, after all, we are all in a similar boat.
I think writing this actually helped me, I realized that I, like many of you, managed to turn my life around. For better and not many people can do that! I also hope this helps someone, if not, hey it helped me. Anyhow, how are you guys coping with this? Any thoughts/tips?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/fs4sgq/coping_with_corona_feelings/
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