I’ve never been skinny. In college, I managed to go from 170 lbs to 145 lbs (5’5” height). I looked great due to lifting, but I only recognize that in retrospect. I was frustrated that I couldn’t drop weight past 140 lbs no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, weight slowly started piling back on.
A friend got me to download MacroFactor. I started counting my calories again and weighing myself. For 3 months, diligently have been trying to lose weight and continue to fail. I’ve made small learnings, but not enough to move the needle. Keep bouncing between 159 lbs and 156 lbs.
Last week, I just got fed up one day after weighing myself and said, “I’m done. I need a break from this”.
I ate how I wanted. Had a cinnamon roll on a Saturday morning, but the rest of my meals were balanced. Went out to see a movie and only ate 4 pieces of candy rather than the whole box. Said no to donuts on Sunday morning and decided to eat something high protein instead. Not because “I need to in order to lose weight”, but because I already had a sweet treat the day before and preferred eating something that would properly give me energy. My weekend activities were filled with an exercise class, a hike, and my first long run (been running consistently for 6 weeks now) that felt like absolute bliss. This weekend was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. My mind felt clear.
I realized my weight was dropping. I’m 156.4 lbs…managed to survive the weekend without ballooning back to 159. Then my mind went, “Maybe this will be it. Maybe we’ll finally drop to 155 lbs and know officially that I’m actually losing weight”.
Today, I was forced to take a rest day cuz my calves were so tight that I was slowly waddling rather than walking. No exercise. Also had a happy hour.
I realized I was satiated after the happy hour and didn’t need to eat my meal prepped dinner. However, when I came home, my partner was sad that we couldn’t eat dinner together. So I ate with him. And grabbed a couple handful of his snacks too.
Now I’m spiraling. I’m scared I’m going to step on that scale tomorrow morning and it’ll read “159” again. And I’m gonna have to start the 13th week in the row trying to get PAST 156. I’m scared that no matter what I do, I won’t be able to lose the weight. That I’ll always be chubby. I had a breakdown in front of my partner that was extremely embarrassing. Hadn’t broken down like that in front of someone in years.
I’m just so exhausted with how diligent I have to be to see any progress. Tired of thinking about this 90% of the time. I want to look good and feel confident in my body…but I also wish I could just eat whatever and exercise purely for joy rather than trying to game weight loss.
I’m so sick of the body I see in the mirror, but I’m sick of my mind tormenting me. I just want to be happy, like I was this weekend…I just want my mind to be clear.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/1djcxoe/obsessive_thoughts_around_weight_loss_ruining_the/
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