TW: disordered eating
So i have had issues with disordered eating (undiagnosed)... Gone from not eating every two days, to only eating 500cal a day, to bingeing all i can get my hands on, to drinking as little water as possible because it might add weight. I have gotten a lot better.. what helped was tracking my macros but i have been obsessing over that lately now to and i only ever meet my calorie deficits (1200 cal 5'2" female 126lbs/57kg) on like four days a week max anyways and i just... I think i need to focus on having a healthy relationship with food.
I just i kinda wanna hear that it will be alright if i stop tracking everything. My new focus is going to be trying to eat 3 balanced meals a day, and stoping when I'm 'satisfied' (not stuffed). (I tried intermittent fasting made it easier to not eat but i was tired all the time) i am just worried if i don't track my macros something bad will happen... For one i just have an irrational fear since I've been trying to lose weight for so long if i just "give-up" (not tracking, no off-limits foods) what would that even look like??? i don't even know what a healthy relationship with food is, everyone in my life has such a poor relationship with food. I can't imagine a lifestyle that doesn't revolve around eating, i have literally been obsessing over my "fat" since i was nine, i have heard comments about my body and about eating choices for as long as I can remember even though I have never even been overweight according to BMI. I literally remember being in elementary school being worried i looked fat. i have no fucking clue how to NOT obsess over food and exercise. Even in school there is only one girl in my class hasn't said anything about her weight and eating. What does a non food/weight centered life look like? Is that even possible while still being "healthy"? And how can I do this in a household that celebrates with food, orders out every night, has food as a love language, talks about how good it is to lose weight and how it's good if they don't eat, buys tons of junk food and sweets, and constantly comments on my eating choices even though I pay for all my food with own money?
A more logical fear i have is that I won't get enough of macros if i don't track. I wasn't tracking macros before and it turns out i was getting WAY to little protein like 10g a day max if i ate meat.. and because of that i couldn't run without getting headaches and overheated even in 50 degree weather i could barely do a push up, my body composition was like all stomach and thighs with thin arms even though I exercised regularly. After i started eating more protein all those issues, some if which i have been talking with doctors about for YEARS (the headaches) miraculously got fixed... There were also points i stopped eating all oil because of calories and i felt sick all the time.. and I'm worried if i stop tracking what if i don't get enough macros again?? But i can't keep tracking cause it's wearing on me mentally and i think i need healthy eating habits first at the very least.
I am just so stressed and i don't think i can handle tracking everything anymore even with MyFitnessPal. i really think i just need to focus on being able to eat functionally. No more binges. I am still going to try to eat "healthily", Greek yogurt, salads, soups, lean meats, etc... But i am just gonna stop tracking every single meal, knowing the calories of everything, if i want something "unhealthy" instead of "fitting it in" maybe just have a little bit??? I don't know is that still unhealthy/ too food and weight centered thinking??
And i know i should probably see a therapist for this but that's not really an option for me....
Sorry for the long post.. TLDR: how can I not obsess over food anymore, is it ok if I just try to focus on trying to get a healthy relationship with food?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/uy0pvt/what_does_a_healthy_relationship_with_food_look/
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