The bittersweetness of success has been preoccupying my mind as of late, just want to write out my thoughts.
My life to date has largely been defined by negative body image. I'd been overweight/obese since early childhood. Grew up as "the fat kid". This mentality had a detrimental effect on my confidence, social life, and mental health. For 31 years, I hated the world because I hated myself.
I achieved my original weight goal in only 8 months. Currently 11 months in, well within normal BMI, trying to stop losing weight and lock in maintenance. When I find the number which brings balance, serious lifting comes next.
Slowly adding in calories to taper off the deficit. My new active lifestyle makes maintenance difficult to calculate. Just as you showed me, my biggest problem in life can still be solved with patience and simple arithmetic. The equation never changed, but my problem sure has.
I finally see a man in the mirror. I see eyes looking back with confidence. I see and feel hips, ribs, muscles, tendons, veins. A genuine smile. Tears of joy. It's all new, foreign, wonderful.
I cry in fitting rooms and sometimes when doing laundry. Surely these must be children's clothes, they're so small. How could I possibly fit in them?
I have a habit of buying one size too big. Still accustomed to hiding under baggy clothes. Slowly gaining confidence with proper, close-fitting clothes. Have to actively correct posture when wearing such things. Ashamed of my phantom boobs. They're gone. Shoulders back, chest out.
Lost a damn hat size. Didn't expect that. When people ask what my secret is... I just say I started wearing a smaller hat.
Physically, I am in the best shape of my life, more so with every day. A year ago, I made old man noises getting out of a chair. Hip joints were in pain just from walking. Nary broke a sweat since high school.
Now days, I always park at the back because it's a little bit further to walk. Graduated from walking to running. Ran a mile just to see if I could. Now I'm working on improving my 5k. I can hike 15 miles in a day on a whim. Physical fitness is no longer a barrier to the activities and experiences I want to enjoy. "I can't" has become "I can't... yet".
But in the mirror, sometimes I can only see the damage. The stretch marks, the overhanging loose skin of my belly. The scarring of my inner thighs. Some people have a double chin - I have a double butt. The new, fit, confident, sexy me is obscured inside a bag of skin. I'm forever stuck living in the shell of my former self.
Maybe it's vanity, but a large motivation on this journey has been... I want to look good naked. I was naive at the start - said I'd stop when I had a flat stomach. Something I've never known. It was never in the cards, and yet I'm still somehow disappointed. My arms and glutes can be filled back in with effort, discipline, and muscle. But not the stomach. The damage is done. It's flat when I'm on my back, but a disheartening saggy pouch otherwise. I can't see it as a badge of honor. Only the remnants of the shame I carried since childhood. I've come to terms that I may never be content without abdominoplasty. Starting to plan to make that happen around this time next year.
I'm so grateful to be here and now, in a position to even consider such a thing.
A year ago, I was about done with life.
Like old friends I've not seen in a while, the person who I was wouldn't recognize the person I've become. More than just physically.
This resource was the one which worked for me. Thank you all for being here when I became ready to change.
:)
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/uv3al8/11_month_musings/
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