One of my biggest issues is that I focus mostly on what others think and not myself, even though I am the one who is mostly unhappy.
I’m the one that’s unhappy with my weight. I’m the one that hates my body like this. I have to lose about 160lbs. I mostly can’t believe I let this happen to myself. That I let my worst fears come true: stretch marks, the likelihood of loose skin. My family has made me feel horrible about my body since I was young. The conditioning started way back, I can’t remember ever feeling comfortable in my skin or liking myself, even as a kid in elementary school.
I recently went through a bad time. Not only am I some big fat person, but I got sick and became heavier. I was at my lowest low (mentally and life wise) a year ago, but I’m trying to rebuild now and all I can do is be bitter. Over everything that was ever said to me, over the pressure to look good...for who?!? Not for me? To please everyone else?? My family treated me like shit instead of actually supporting me while I was sick. I’m a leper now. I’m a fat, jobless loser to them. Or lost. Maybe I’ve always been lost to them, because I don’t cater to their views of how I should look or act. I don’t know.
Sometimes when I start to lose weight and people notice, it instantly messes me up. I get both this feeling of being done and wanting to hide. I hate when people comment on my body, even when it’s nice. There’s nothing nice about my body, other than that it carries me and keeps me alive, but it will never be the way I want it to be now. I guess I just feel alone and like people don’t like me for some reason, and I always equate it with my weight and looks, and I just don’t understand. I’ve always done more than I needed to for people and I’m still not lovable or worthy of praise, because I’m not thin? That’s how I feel. I don’t think it’s insane or that I’m projecting. I feel like all they care about is when people look a certain way or act a certain way. At the same time, I’ve pretty much cut them out of my life for treating me so badly while I went through a horrible, traumatic time in my life. Am I ridiculous?
I want to do what I need to for myself, but then I question why I’m really doing it. I want to look good so people think I look good? It can’t be the truth. I want to look good or better, as good as I can, so I can be exactly who I want to be and wear what I want to wear.
I guess the realer question is: how do I get over the trauma that I’ve experienced and love myself enough to let myself be happy, even if there is so much that makes me unhappy? All I feel is that moving into the person I want to be will bring me the life I want, the confidence and happiness, and maybe the relationships.
I think I feel so, so low about myself. How do I love myself and help myself to be where I want to be when I am just riddled with the shame of where I am? I am so ashamed of myself and where I am.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/jlcfvo/how_do_i_get_over_the_shame_be_who_i_want_to_be/
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