Trigger Warning: depression, suicide
Male, age 27, CW: 295 lbs
I'm sorry in advance that this post will be long, but I want to consider this as my journal entry.
I need help, because I don't see a future ahead of me where I feel happy and fulfilled.
I peaked in college, with the body I felt comfortable in. I got attention from girls, had full confidence in myself, and I was more social than ever before. Then I moved out from my parents in 2020, when COVID was still a serious threat. I moved out to Arkansas for work and was left with knowing no way to take care of myself. My mom was always the one that cooked and did my laundry. I grew up doing little to no chores with my family. Even though my dad was an abusive asshole, screaming at my face to stop crying, I lived in a very privileged environment. My mom did everything in the house.
When I lived alone for the first time in 2020, I got shocked about how much independence I had. So much to the point where I realized that I didn't have my mom around me anymore to scold me for eating too much. I took advantage of her not being in my physical presence that ate EVERYTHING I could get my hands on. Pizza, fast food, you name it. I stuffed that shit in my mouth every day and didn't realize how much damage I was causing.
Today, I regret the eating decisions I have made, starting at a weight of 195 to 295 in a span of four years. I order delivery every single day and buy multiple servings for just me. I blackout when I order because the ease of access is seamless. I eat everything I order in one sitting and then order again for a treat. This cycle continues and after every huge meal, I hate myself for it. I don't even question my decision of ordering, I just do, without being conscious.
I suffer from major depressive disorder, and has gone to a psychiatric ward because of constant thoughts of suicidal ideation. I left the ward feeling hopeful, but that faded pretty quickly once I got back to my normal routine. I go to therapy on a weekly basis, but I never feel better when I'm done with my sessions. I feel more disappointed, rather than optimistic.
I try to be more active by playing basketball, walk, or go to the gym, but none of these things haven't given me more motivation to continue. I go back and forth with all these options but none of them have me continue to go. The reason why is because I feel like I have dug myself too deep in this whole that I can't get out of. 295 lbs when I used to be in the 100 lbs. What happened to me? Why did I make poor decisions with these unhealthy habits? How come I wasn't smart enough to recognize that I was hurting myself for overeating?
I sit here writing, not knowing what my future will hold. I have a wedding to go to and I told myself months ago that if I didn't lose at least 20 lbs before the wedding, I would take my own life. This is because I have failed numerous times and the shame I give to myself is too much to bear. The wedding is in two weeks.
I don't wanna be here. I'm not seen, nor do I want people to see my disgusting appearance. I lost all qualities of attraction.
I want to be a father.
I know appearance isn't all that matters in a relationship, but my mind rejects that belief so fiercely. I wish I could allow myself to accept it, but I refuse to believe it.
I'm sorry, if you read this post this far, It does make me feel a little better that someone gave their time for me express my feelings.
I need help. I don't wanna die.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/1fmms2l/i_need_help/
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