Just as the title says (': I've never been in a relationship, kissed a guy, etc; due to body image and crippling self esteem issues.
For context, this is definitely the heaviest I have ever been. My lowest weight was around ~125lbs, and that was around 4-5 years ago. Since then, I've gained close to a hundred pounds of weight due to an intense depressive episode during my senior year of high school, COVID, family splitting apart, the stress of uni, and I dealt with all of it with classic binge eating.
When I was at my lowest, I still felt very fat. And now that I'm at my highest, I know it seems wrong to say, but it feels like my mental image of myself has finally aligned with the physical. Of course I know it's wrong to be this heavyset, but it also almost feels right, like this is the body I've always seen myself in.
So when guys would try to talk me up, or catcall me (which has happened two or three times before in public), or in general find me attractive, it used to confuse me to no end, back when I was at my lowest weight. I just treated it all like a fluke. Imposters syndrome is the best way to describe it - at my lowest, I never felt like that was who I was. I didn't realize how good I had it back then.
Now, I'm fat. It shows everywhere, and I physically feel the change. I can't run as long, and going up stairs is harder. I want to change for the better, but I realize there is this warped sense of myself I can't seem to get rid of, and I know it will block me from achieving the true body I want - healthy, fit, sexy - because I never, ever, ever gave myself the chance to love my body. Now, I must love my body in the worst condition it's ever been, and this is daunting. I don't know where to start.
Worse still, the idea of having a guy like me, or love me as I am, back then and now, embarrasses me. At times I feel I deeply yearn for the connection anyway, and at others I can't think of anything more repulsive or horrifying, because all my life I've been told that unless I was skinny, no man would ever marry me, or love a big woman. But by nature, I'm more of an optimist, I like to dwell on the idealistic side of things, and I feel this drive to prove everyone wrong, to prove that I can do this for myself, to prove my strength, that once and for all, I am beautiful...
Please, please, I hope anyone who reads this can give some time out of their day to tell me I can do it (': Tell me it's possible to lose this weight, to find love even at this size. I feel as if I've been starved of genuine encouragement... only ever told to lose weight, ordered to shed pounds, and be told only then, that I was beautiful and worth talking to.
I just need encouragement... because losing 100 lbs is such a huge task, it truly beggars a very profound change in lifestyle. I am quite sedentary, but I used to be pretty active. Any tips, words of encouragement, would be so appreciated. I really hope to come back to this post to keep me on track, and let it act as a reminder that love starts at any weight.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/1ensrf3/21f_217_lbs_56_never_felt_attractive_enough_to/
Comments
Post a Comment