I don't even know how to begin this, but here we go.
TW: eating disorder, mental health.
Apologies for the long post, but I feel like this needs a decent preface.
I've always been a bit overweight, even in high-school when I was active. I just gain weight quite easily and it's hard to keep off. It got worse when I left school and stopped being active, and always found myself gravitating towards food for comfort. I had always suspected I had a really bad relationship with food, because if I was stressed, or sad, or bored I would just eat. That would be followed by restriction and sometimes even purging due to the guilt I felt for my gluttony. That being said, I did seek out treatment for the worsening state of my mental health, and ended up initially getting diagnosed with depression by a gp.
Boy were they wrong.
I was prescribed with anti depressants that f*cked my stomach so bad that it literally stopped absorbing food. I won't go into detail, but I became relatively small for the first time in my life. And boy, did that feel GREAT. The feeling of finally being able to move with what felt like no restriction, being able to fit into pretty clothes and FINALLY feeling good about the skin I was in made me feel so ALIVE.
I ended up not having depression, but instead bipolar because the meds were causing me to be manic AF. I ended up getting on the right meds and my mental health started to improve.
Fast forward to meeting my boyfriend. I'm not going to go into too much detail and get all mushy, but long story short we are as close to a perfect match as you can get. Things were incredible, we fell so deeply inlove.
However, I still had alot of healing to do. I was so traumatized by my childhood and teen years and that reflected in so many ways with how I lived my life and treated those around me. My life was constantly in a state of turbulence.
Then, the worst thing that I could ever imagine happening to me, happened. I lost my younger brother in a car crash. It was so sudden, so traumatic, and I felt like my whole life fell to shambles. I couldn't cope with the trauma, so my brain did the only thing it could think to do and just lie in bed and eat my feelings away. Eat to feel something other than pure heartbreak. I ended up gaining all the weight back, and then some. I started to HATE myself and the way I looked.
Now, my boyfriend never made me feel undesirable for this. He always tells me how beautiful I am, never made me feel less than for being overweight. He is a really good guy, a pure gem amongst alot of guys my age.
I, however, was mentally ill, spinning out, and basically living in a clusterfuck of a life, not being responsible or considerate towards him, his goals, his feelings, his lifestyle nor his space.
We had a pretty rough patch, and he was not happy at all. I wasn't making him happy. My mental illnesses were taking a toll on him, understandably. I felt like something was really wrong with me, so I went to a psychiatrist and ended up getting diagnosed with a BUNCH more shit on top of bipolar. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, Social anxiety, generalized anxiety, rediagnosed with adhd, symptoms of bpd and, not surprisingly at all, binge eating disorder. I also started seeing a trauma counselor. I ended up doing much better mentally and we became really happy again.
Fast forward to today. I was looking around for a book that I could tear a piece of paper out of to write a note for myself to put on the fridge, when I came across this book. I opened it up to tear a piece out and found some pages with a bunch of writing. Unsure of what it was, my eyes briefly scanned the page, noticed my name amongst the writing, kept scanning, and landed on the words PROS and CONS. Now, I know I should have realized this was my boyfriends book, and it was obviously private, but in my defense, it didn't look like a diary, but rather just a normal book you would buy your kid to use at school to make notes.
I'm an asshole for this, but I read on.
And there, plain as day, jumping out to me from the page, the word WEIGHT under the cons list. I froze. My heart started beating faster, and I couldn't believe what I saw. My incredibly low self esteem just went lower than rock bottom.
The thing is, I'm not mad at my boyfriend for this. I was not treating him well at the time. my bad habits and toxicity were affecting him, so I understand that he needed to figure out whether he really wanted to stay with me by drawing up this list.
I ended up apologizing for reading it and asking him about it. He defended himself and said that it wasn't about my weight, but how I felt about my weight was affecting me.
I'm not going to argue with him about it, i just decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He made those notes a good 7 months ago, and we're in a much better place now.
BUT
Those words, on that page, have been BURNED into my brain. I feel really low... and I really don't want my weight to be affecting me like this. I hate myself, how I look and I just feel like I really want to make a change. I want to feel good about myself again.
I've had boughts of dieting and exercising but always end up falling off the wagon, and it's so frustrating. It's frustrating that I have been unable to have the discipline to stick to something that is good for me and my health and will make me a happier person.
I don't know what I want to accomplish by posting this. Maybe there's someone who can relate to me. Maybe I'm seeking some sort of motivation. Maybe It would feel good to feel heard, or know that there are other people out there who have been through something similar.
I think it would be good to hear some tips to lose weight from people who have struggled with binge eating and/or mental health, if you have them.
Whatever positivity anyone wants to throw my way will be greatly appreciated.
I really want to be better, feel better, and do right by the body I was blessed with.
TL:DR, i picked up weight after a traumatic event, I was making my boyfriend unhappy with my untreated mental illness and toxicity, he wrote a pros and cons list about me months ago that I by accidently stumbled across, and under cons it said weight. We're alot happier now, but I hate the way seeing that made me feel, and want to make a change for the better.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/1cok51w/found_my_boyfriends_pros_cons_list_about_me/
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