6'4 M 30yo SW:332 CW: 224 GW: 200
Maybe it's the combination of night time thoughts + strenuous day at the gym + somewhat aggressive caloric deficit, but I just can't help how my mind will slip into a really combative and negative mode during some nights and it keeps me from being able to sleep.
I saw a video on YouTube of someone losing 180 pounds from 400 to 220 in a year doing DDP yoga, and looking ripped afterwards as well, and think about how I am here stumbling over 5 years for a barely 110 pound weight loss and I still have all of this flabiness over my stomach and can barely see even a faint outline of my abs, and since I have always been in a caloric deficit it's not like I am building any muscle despite prioritizing weight training, I am just preserving the muscles I already have. And I find myself feeling zero joy for the person I saw on YouTube, instead I feel intensely jealous and wishing that he will gain all of the weight back. The worst part is that I don't feel bad for feeling this way, in fact I feel like I want to somehow "relish" in this anguish and toxic feeling and think this will help me crush it at the gym the next day...
I am also finding myself getting angry at people for saying I am already at a good weight or that I did amazing or whatnot, because somehow my brain has decided that hearing these things will decrease my motivation and energy level. I would think things like "god since when did people become so obnoxiously fluffy and soft!!!". Which is extremely ironic considering I have always been a sensitive person ever since I was little, and now it's like I want to reject all of that.
I would also think things like
"I can't wait to swim in the fit/skinny privilege!",
"I would never swipe right on that person now, man I was desperate back when I was obese..."
"If I still have no six packs when I get to 200? Welp 180 it is then, if still no abs then there's always 170, 160, 150..."
"my right knee hurts, my body must not be strong enough for my new cardio intensity yet, time to run a 10k to fix that"
"calories are a lie, there's NO WAY my BMR is as high as 2079cal, and no I don't care I am a 6'4 male, I refuse to eat that much, 500 under TDEE? HELL NO!!!".
Before anyone make any suggestions, yes I do have a therapist. The thing is I don't feel any of this when I talk to him, I genuinely feel good and positive about my weightloss and I am happy when he congratulates me. It always has to be at night when my thoughts tend to be racing, and when I am tired from working out and when I am trying to be more aggressive with my cutting effort when these thoughts will uncontrollably pop into my mind. And I don't know what to do. I will probably wake up tomorrow thinking why did I even make this post and would want to delete it, but deep down I know these thoughts will come back to haunt me again soon...
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/1cddp4p/rant_intermittent_but_consistent_toxic_mindset/
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