This is going to be long and whiny. Apologies in advance.
I'm so scared. And so upset.
I'm 23 and I've been trying to lose weight for a decade. I started out at a normal weight but wanted to be skinnier and gradually grew obese - then, a year ago, for the first time in years, I hit a healthy BMI through two extended fasts and half assed keto and I felt so fucking good about it. I'd just finished uni, saved up the money I wanted to save, and quit everything to start travelling. I still wanted to lose more weight but for the first time in so long, I kind of liked my body. That was this January. It's December now and I've gained 20 kg. I binged and binged. I became fully bulimic, and I had been purging before, even when I was getting to my healthy weight, binging on endless amounts of sugar late at night and then throwing up violently, but somehow I managed to force myself into a seven- and later ten-day-fast. The weightloss process was anything but graceful, but at least it kind of worked. But of course, it didn't stick.
So now I'm travelling. I worked so long and hard for this. I packed a huge suitcase of cute outfits and I've literally only worn the same three shirts for the majority of the time because literally nothing fits me anymore. I keep buying larger pants just to come home and realise they're still too small for me. I bought SIX PAIRS OF PANTS that way. Money literally thrown away, as I can't even fit them in my suitcase to take them with me, just because I kept being too big for them. I've done so many terrible and disgusting things. I've stolen food from anyone and anything, friends, roommates, family, shops, stores. I've spent unbelievable amounts of money on late night binges, and not even anything good, because nothing would be open late at night except for convenience stores, so I had overpriced, shitty chocolate after chocolate. I've cried and screamed and promised myself, VOWED to myself that I would quit sugar, that I would be more disciplined, I spent so much money on meats and keto foods just to end up binging on fucking gas station donuts. I've tried to be gentle, too, aim for a smaller calorie deficit, tried to eat intuitively, but my intuition seems to only know one word - more. This was supposed to be my year. Every year has been supposed to be my year. But this one especially. But now, I'm hesitant to go out because I have nothing nice to wear, I don't even try to flirt even when I like someone because I feel so fucking disgusting, I'm not in any photos, I met so many cool people but I don't want them to remember me because I don't want anyone to see me, really. The worst thing was when my mum got married in September and I flew back home to attend the wedding. It's the first wedding I've ever been to and my mum's, of all people, and everyone there knew me, and I was the biggest I'd ever been and I wore a cheap and ugly dress I bought at a cheap chain store because it was the only thing that would fit. I wanted to be beautiful on that day so bad. I feel so terrible that I couldn't, I feel so fucking ashamed that everyone saw me again after so long and I was just huge, and I feel so terrible for my mum because she deserved for me to look good and be happy on that day and yet, in my memory, it's just so shamefully disgusting.
But then the most terrifying thing must be my health. I haven't had my period in a year now. I went to a gynaecologist when I was home for a week and the blood test she did showed high testosterone, glucose and DHEAS. Unfortunately the doctor never really explained the results to me, but I sent them to a family friend who's a gyn and they confirmed it looks exactly like PCOS. I've been lucky to never have had any major health issues before and this terrifies me. I'm so, so scared. I know it's childish, but I just keep screaming in my head, "I don't WANT to be chronically ill!" And apparently, you can't cure PCOS, and it makes weight loss even harder. And not having had my period in so long, my chances of getting cancer are so much higher. Or infertility. Or diabetes. And I fucking did this to myself. I literally did this to myself, I was blessed with a healthy body and I fucking ruined it, and for what? I'm so, so scared. I want another chance, I want to undo this so bad but I can't. And when I had the chance, I didn't.
I keep reading that only 5% of all weight loss attempts are successful long term. The self centered individualist in me has always been absolutely convinced that of course, I would lose the weight. But looking at my history, my diaries starting at 13 where I would promise and swear that I would lose weight for my birthday or the next school year, over and over again, and really, truly meaning it, really, truly willing it so so much, I am terrified of the prospect that I will always be fat. And I can't accept it - I just can't. A lot of people look amazing, even overweight, but I truly and genuinely believe I'm not one of them. I can't look at myself. I avoid mirrors instinctively now, and when I do accidentally see my reflection, it hurts physically. I want to cry. I feel I've wasted my youth, wasted all my chances to be pretty, wasted my travels - because I know I've made lots of experiences, but not a single day has passed where food wasn't at the center of my mind. Not a single day where I wasn't upset with how I looked. I wanted to go out, wear all my amazing outfits, my make up, meet people, fucking enjoy this time that I worked for for so long, and while I do of course experience nice stuff, it's all overshadowed by how fucking ugly I feel.
I'm so fucking terrified. I'm so upset with myself. I spent so much money - I'm in Asia now and I ended up buying weight loss pills unaware of how much I would be charged - a hundred dollars for a month's supply!! And even on them, I still binge. It's such a sick fucking cycle. I want to hide in a cave and not eat for a month so that I can finally feel like a person again, face the world, but every attempt at fasting, now, fails. But then I can't be gentle either, I keep trying, but just putting on clothes in the morning is such a painful reminder every single time that it's impossible to NOT want to lose weight as fast as possible. I know it doesn't work. I have a decade or experience of it not working. But nothing I fucking do or try works. I'm ruining my body and my soul with this. Everyone I know who's thin has thin parents and has always been in great shape, whereas my mums always struggled to lose weight, too, being not obese, but somewhat chubby. I read FIFTEEN books on nutrition within the last year. I know pretty much all of the (albeit pop-) science there is. I know how it all works, know a million approaches, have tried them all and done thorough, real research. I want to believe I can change my habits and lifestyle. I want to believe I can do it so bad. But what else am I fucking meant to try? I feel so, so, so desperate.
Thanks for reading. If you have anything to say at all, please do. I don't even know what I'm hoping for at this point.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/18e7ifu/im_losing_it_but_not_the_weight_and_i_feel_so_so/
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