Hi!
I hope y'all are having a nice evening. Hopefully better than mine at the very least.
So, I (18M) left home for university in September, and I've been on a diet since June. Just before coming back home for the winter break, I was about to hit the 70lb lost milestone. Went from 330lbs to 262 and some change.
I dieted well over the summer, sticking to my calorie count and not overindulging too often. I was worried that going to university and not having anybody to keep me accountable would make it difficult to lose more weight, but the opposite happened. I was now living in my own dorm room where I could store whatever snacks and unhealthy foods I wanted, but I no longer wished to keep those things around because I knew it would hurt my progress. I was also now in charge of figuring out my own meals at various on-campus dining locations, and the fact that they all had calorie counts for the meals made it a lot easier. Overall, I lost around 40 pounds over the summer, and almost another 30 at uni.
I came home for the winter break and my goal was to lose another 5lbs over the 2-3 weeks I was home, which seemed reasonable to me. However, every time I come home I go on a binge because there's so much food available and home cooked meals are so much better than uni meals. Over time this was improving, and I was learning to keep myself disciplined when I came back on weekends. However, this winter break has been really tough so far, and I've changed my goal to just maintaining what I had. I've been going on cycles of eating way over calorie and way under calorie, and overall I'm about 2-2.5lbs above what I was just before the break (I would wager that around 1lb of that might be water weight, though). Honestly, despite this, I was fairly proud of myself for being able to keep myself at least somewhat close to my original weight.
Today, however, has been different. I woke up intending to have a normal, diet-friendly day, but then my family wanted to go to an all you can eat sushi place for lunch. I obliged, thinking I would only eat sashimi, but I was tempted, and gave in, eating several pieces of sushi on top of the sashimi, putting my total at 1300 calories for the day (including the 300 cal meal I had earlier). I was like okay, that's all for today, I've used up all my calories. Later this evening, my family wanted to go out again, and we ended up having a bunch of kebabs at some kebab place, where I overindulged again, eating another 1000ish calories. I was like okay, no big deal, 2300 is fine if my maintenance is at like 3000-3500. I also worked out and had a protein shake, which put me at like 2450 for the day, which was okay.
However, once I got home, I had a small snickers bar cuz I was craving something sweet. This kind of set me off, and I just started grabbing whatever I could find in my pantry that tasted remotely like food. I probably had another 1000 calories doing all that, so 3450. And now I'm sitting here, waiting on a 1600 calorie uber eats order of wings crying and feeling the most shame and guilt I've ever felt in my entire life.
So, for the day, we're at around 5000 calories, which is like 2000 above maintenance. Realistically, I know that won't make an enormous dent in all the progress I've made so far, and I intend to keep on going with the diet moving forward, but I just feel so awful. I haven't had serious self harm and purging urges in a long long time, but they hit hard today. I resisted those urges but instead had a little bit of weed to kind of numb myself, which is something I NEVER do. This whole ordeal has taught me that despite what I thought, I still have a devastatingly unhealthy relationship with food. I'm mad at my parents for instilling a lot of these habits in me, and I'm upset that I now dread coming home because of my diet instead of feeling excited to see my family. I also hate holidays now, so there's that.
Now I'm kinda unsure where to go, and how to feel, and what to do, but I know that I just feel like complete garbage right now and nobody will understand that except for the people who have gone through it before, which is why I'm posting this rant here. I know it's long and I'm really grateful for those of you that have read this entire thing, and I don't really know what I'm expecting from this but it feels good to just put it here.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/18v2jou/a_rant/
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