“Just do it.”
Ok, I get it Nike.
I’ve tried diets, joining a gym, joining a gym class. I’ve tried apps and meal plans. I bought at home equipment. I follow fitness media and read and save all sorts of routines and tricks and habits. I got a bad injury from mentioned gym class this summer and since then have developed what my doctor believes to be fibromyalgia with pitting edema. I’m in constant pain, all over, though the severity fluctuates. I am so stiff on some days like today I can hardly move. Any pressure on my body hurts, some days even sitting and laying down and clothing causes pain. I do yoga at work on Wednesdays, two sessions. I could hardly make it through one session today, and last week it triggered such horrible pain I couldn’t see straight after.
None of my clothes fit, not even my socks and shoes. My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. My mom has struggled with her weight my whole life and I swore it wouldn’t happen to me. I now outweigh her. I feel gross, I don’t like how I look, I’m so obsessed with my weight and poor health it’s now all I think about. I have been desperately trying to avoid developing an ED but I finally hit a point this week where I physically could not get food past my lips because I was so ashamed, repulsed, and hopeless.
Right now, all my energy gets spent at work trying to keep moving and productive, and when I get home all I feel capable of doing is spending time on the couch on my phone or going straight to bed. I’m desperately trying to keep my head above water as I’ve struggled with my mental health all my life and am trying to keep my two year streak MDE-free. I have ADHD and I’ve previously chalked up my inability to motivate myself to that, but who am I kidding, that’s not a real excuse.
My boyfriend keeps telling me to just start working out. Professionals say exercise is the best way to treat fibromyalgia. I want to. I want to so bad I feel sick. It’s hard to listen to my boyfriend because all he does is play Apex in his spare time and smoke weed, but he’s got a good metabolism so he hasn’t gotten fat yet. But I know he’s right.
It feels impossible to get myself, to get my brain, my mindset right. I know all I need to do is decide I want to chose the hardness of pushing through the pain and working out and eating right and being healthy over the hardness of being fat and unhealthy and in pain anyway. I know the battle is in my head. I’m just losing miserably and I can’t seem to even trick myself or hack my brain to get any change. Spite, anger, health, desperation…nothing seems to be kicking me into gear. The excuses don’t even feel real anymore.
I feel hopeless and I’m terrified of getting dumped or dying young or ending up on TV someday.
How do I make it click? How can I get that a-ha moment to have any effect mentally? Please, if you’ve been where I’m at, what worked? How did you beat your own brain? How did you overcome your body fighting you aggressively? I want to be better. I really want to be better. I know I’m just rambling and upset, and I’m painfully aware of how I sound (a whiny excuser looking for sympathy and validation), but I genuinely don’t know what to do.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/zy01jg/i_cannot_seem_to_get_past_the_mental_hurdle_and_i/
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