My weight loss journey has been going on throughout my whole life. I've always wanted to be skinny. Never could manage it. But had shining moments where I achieved it half way...
I was probably at my skinniest ever in 2019. You see, I was mocked mercilessly in 2017 and decided to make a change. I started logging and doing CICO. I wasn't that active though. But I did see the weight start to fall off.
Christmas 2017 was expectedly filled with eating but I found myself back to it in 2018. No real exercise, but CICO. The weight was coming off. By 2019, I was skinnier than I'd ever been.
But then I had a trip coming up in April. I didn't want to 'look bad.' So I added intense exercise, running treadmill for 1-1.5 hours a day while restricting to under 1000 calories per day. I was desperate. I wanted to lose all the weight I wanted to -- in under 2 months.
See, I do that sometimes. I think, I need to get this done NOW. I want it to happen NOW. None of this slow and steady shit. I want what I've been dreaming of all my life and I want it NOW. Petulant, huh?
Well, I did lose a lot of weight. I also had a mental breakdown and was incapacitated for several months.
I mean, it was for a lot of reasons, but my obsession was killing me and my brain was not getting enough nutrients. Bad combo.
Then trauma hit. Family member died. I started binging. Covid hit. Binged and stopped execising. I never dared to weigh it, but I probably gained probably close to 70 lbs.
During Lent was when I started to take some control over my psychical, emotional and spiritual health. I do just a bit of exercise, but most importantly, I started logging again, doing CICO and juicing. I didn't eat any junk food because I gave it up for Lent, but even afterwards, I'm still keeping it up and eating clean. And hey, it's working! I'm finally starting to lose weight again!
But I'm slipping into old patterns. Namely, I'm starting to worry again about eating over 1000 calories a day. I need to eat 1200 calories to lose 500 calories per day according to my TDEE and 1 lb per week. But when I entered that into My LoseIt app it said it was unsustainable and put me on a 1/2 lb per week program. And yet here I am thinking I gotta do what I did in 2019 to lose all that weight, even though it was completely unhealthy.
Why am I still sliding back into that harmful way of thinking when I know it's harmful? How do I break out of this thinking? It's funny, but I'm craving like a burger right now. Haven't had one of those in almost 2 months. I've convinced myself I should only eat junk food once a month. I had to do that because food delivery apps had run my life for two years. I'm trying to take my life and health (and money) back.
Before if you asked me what I wanted I would answer, I want to lie on my bed without feeling like I can't breathe and there's a dumpster inside my stomach that's spreading through my whole body. Well, now that I've lost a bit of weight, I want it all: I want to be that tiny little skinny thing I've always wanted to be since I was a child and I want NOW. And I know I shouldn't.
What should I do?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/ubdx5y/help_toxic_habits_got_me_in_a_chokehold/
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