How do I get the ball rolling while depressed & unmotivated, without falling off or making it unhealthy?
Hi everyone.
To start, I am a 23 y/o woman. 5'5" (~165cm tall) and 255lbs (~115kg/18.2 stone). I used to be a cheerleader, very fit with muscle tone in my high school days. I've always had severe body dysmorphia, so at that time, I believed I was severely overweight when I weighed about 140lb/10 stone. Looking back, I could only wish to look that way.
Prior to my athletic days and in my youth, I was overweight. I was a late bloomer in terms of height, so I definitely weighed more than my peers. The bullying and self image issues became so unbearable that I began to work out excessively, and eat very little. I looked very frail and thin at that time (around 12-13 years old) and yet, people complimented me. It only fueled the disordered eating and extreme exercise I was partaking in.
Things got better in high school in terms of my BMI not being so low. I dont remember limiting my eating, and with me practicing daily, I looked great. Again, at the time, I didn't think I looked good. But after my sexual assault, an abusive relationship, and coming out of the closet as a lesbian, I did a full U-turn into binge eating with occasional vomiting when overeating, guilty, etc. That, paired with the many antidepressants (20+) that I tried, I ballooned up to my CW, 255lbs.
I occasionally try to kickstart a new lifestyle, but between the lack of energy, my depression (which I'm slowly healing from but it's been years in the making), and my intense cravings for junk food, I often get the ball rolling only to fall off within weeks/a month. I do have a gym at my apartment so it doesn't feel great knowing I have an option, but lack the drive. I work in an office setting, so of course I'm not very active throughout the day. It's also hard for me to feel motivated since I'm always tired. I leave for work at 8am and don't get home until 6pm. Once I've made dinner, spent time with my girlfriend, showered, etc.... it feels like there is little or no time for fitness.
I am truly at the point where how I look is affecting me so greatly. I often cry as I undress to shower. My sex life is nearly non-existent, leaving my partner to feel inadequate, when I'm simply self-consious. Buying or trying on clothes is difficult and often leaves me in tears when nothing fits. I envy young women my age who wear crop tops and tiny shorts. Looking at my reflection in a window or bathroom often ruins my day. I avoid pictures, which I used to love taking. Anytime someone posts a photo with me in it on social media, I block it from view. No one on social media knows I'm fat. I edit pictures to hide my chin and don't post full-body images. I have bailed on meeting up with old school peers or going to my hometown because I'd rather die than anyone know I look this huge.
But on the other end of this equation, I am afraid to put myself in a position where my obsessive tendencies brink unhealthy. My partner has expressed the same concern, as she has observed that the few times I've attempted to change my ways, I become obsessed and let it encompass my entire existence. My family pulls me aside with uncomfortable interventions about how unhealthy I look, which always leads me to cry.
If anyone has experienced this kind of dilemma, please send any advice my way. I know that losing weight won't fix my mental health, or really my self-esteem. I clearly need to learn to love myself. But I can't go on like this. It consumes my life, and I can't feel like this anymore.
Thank you guys.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/sgvgj7/how_do_i_get_the_ball_rolling_while_depressed/
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