I thought this would be a rather short story but it's grown into multiple paragraphs so there's a TLDR at the bottom...
I have been struggling with binge eating since I was 12. I was constantly stealing cookies and sweets. My mom tried everything up to, and including putting mouse traps in the Jar. But — she never stopped buying them - as she had her own cookie demons. I was great at sleuthing out all her hidden stashes.
As an adult at home Mom, bursts of 2 or 3 nights in a row of 5000 calorie evenings each week were the norm. When my husband went to sea I tried every Diet under the sun to put a halt to my weight gain all resulting in even more weight gain...
When I started this attempt to lose weight, I went back to the basics - just using Calorie management, I could not have any sweets in the house that I purchased. Not even a simple bag of sugar. My kids kept their treats in their rooms and my husband kept his at work. I was fortunate that my family was supportive.
As I started to lose weight that first year I experimented off and on with bringing something in the house and waiting to see if it "talked to me". Single servings were safe because it was a contained event (like a hazmat spill?). But boxes of anything including even healthier slightly sweet (Kashi "Berry", or Cinnamon Oat Squares) cereal was still target for annihilation. Chobani "flips" ...? Yeah those are dessert and yeah, eating more than four in an afternoon is a breeze. I stopped buying even dried fruit. Dates are delicious and prunes are just big raisins. Every container whispered to me from the kitchen. I work from home so all non single serving treats were declined or given away.
On holiday, this last fall I was on a maintenance break - I limited myself to a bag of Mint Bark thins. Or so I thought. One bag - a "fun splurge” for just one night became 3, then 5 nights in the row. The last bag, was consumed silently and quickly after bed in the kitchen so I wouldn't be judged by my husband. I pulled the Emergency Stop in my brain and swore all evening Treats off for the rest the month, so angry I couldn't be a normal person.
At the nearly three yr mark into my journey, this Christmas I tried again with a gifted barrel of cheap caramel corn. Carefully portioning it out in 200 cal helpings... and it went to hell in the second night. I had the presence of mind to pour the third helping for the night down the disposal - and with angry tears throw the rest into the trash and toss coffee grounds on them. (I was an idiot not to see my own progress.)
"It’s been almost 3 years. Wtf was wrong with me?"
At this point I started to wonder if I was forever stuck policing myself like this. I asked exactly that question more than once in this forum.
Then, for Valentine's Day my husband tentatively for the first time in years asked if I wanted anything. My knee jerk reaction was No. But, then I thought : Chocolate. I ...wanted 24 PC's of Dark, expensive af boozy chocolate. With a bow and foofy paper and shiny bag. I was going to try once more and this time not make it covert Snarf Op - but instead an intentional ceremonial process. Remove it from the bag, untie the bow, select a piece and rewrap everything - put it on a cute little plate on a cute little tray I bought just to carry to the living room with a cup of tea.
I made that thing last 25 gd days.
Since then day I've started buying bags - BAGS!! of good quality (but not bank breaking) chocolate and set out one square with tea or coffee as my evening "thing". Some nights I actually pass and some nights when I’m still hungry and looking to graze, it just naturally feels off limits.
I've slowly built up an actual stash....it’s amazing to me. There's three sacks in the cupboard right now and a bin of home made apple crisp I accepted from my parents for doing yard work (to their shock and delight, I'm sure) sitting in the fridge, that I haven't thought about all day. I even reached past it for a sensible snack while I'm here cooking dinner and was able to say "I'll get to you, later".
I don't know exactly what clicked, and I'm sure it's not going to be perfect but I am finally ok with "almost" because I think that's what normal is. I hope.
TL;DR : I'm finally overcoming my binge eating in a hopefully healthy, sustainable way.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/bjblzc/it_ended_with_a_box_of_valentine_chocolates/
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